How To Survive Christmas A Guide For Men
”I don’t care what anyone says but Christmas is not what the brochure says anymore, The picture paints a warm humble atmosphere, with all those gifts under what can only be described as a perfect Christmas tree, but does your house look like that? no, does your tree look like that? of course it doesn’t. Christmas is a survival exercise for most family men, it requires careful financial planning, military precision timing on avoiding the in laws, and a strict diet of turkey and beer to help numb the pain of watching uncle Sid show off his fucking slides from his trip to Egypt.
OK I do love Christmas, i’m no Scrooge, but after all the money you fork out, what do you actually get? financial ruin? socks? a Christmas jumper? or at worst your mother in law coming down from scotland to stay for an entire week!
I have put together a rather humorous guide on how to survive this festive period, and to make sure you don’t end up crying over your rubbish, overly expensive Christmas pudding that no one actually likes.
Christmas Morning
The kids come running into your room and start jumping up and down on your face shouting ‘merry Christmas!!’ it’s no fun, the brochure has a picture of mum and dad with perfect hair and teeth, smiling at there wonderful excited children, when actually your wife looks like the girl from the ‘exorcist’ attached to a duvet, and you feel like shit because you went out last night and didn’t get in until 20 minutes prior. The first thing you should do in this situation is have a drink, preferably scotch as it gets you there quicker, push the kids off the bed and go downstairs to make a bacon sandwich using an entire pack of bacon.
After about an hour you should start to feel a little better, your kids should now be opening there presents which does mean you get a little peace, up until the point where one of them realises you forgot batteries for there new fangled toy, which means of course you now have to trek all the way to the garage to get some.
The morning is probably the easy part, your wife is busy doing horrific things to a turkey, your kids are playing with there toys which leaves you free to eat and drink your way into the afternoon, by which time the family arrive.
Christmas Afternoon
The family arrive, oh joy, in laws, aunts and uncles, cousins you have never met and your brother Neville and his fucking dog that humps your leg. Now the real problems start, don’t be fooled by your family’s show of niceness, it’s all a front, they hate you just as much as you hate them, so treat them with the contempt they deserve and go upstairs for your afternoon poo, taking your bottle of scotch and a magazine, oh and make sure you tell everyone what your doing, that way they will leave you alone.
You can take up to an hour in the loo, just reading and drinking your scotch, the world suddenly becomes a haven of tranquility, when suddenly you hear the cries of your wife ‘Mike!, Mike! you coming down or what?! Mike!’ you groan and reluctantly go back down to your family.
Have you ever noticed how annoying other peoples kids are? I know I have, there normally completely disobedient, and seem to do what ever they want. If you find the little shit’s behaviour is getting a bit much, a simple but effective method to keep him quiet is this. Crouch down to his level, and whisper quietly into his ear ‘I killed santa’, works every time, he will be as quiet as a mouse as the cogs in his mind try to process what you just told him. Of course this probably child abuse but heck it’s Christmas day! your allowed some fun too!
Christmas Evening
By now you should be well on your way to being totally wasted, if your not then get there quick because the evenings fun and games should not be attempted sober. Your aunt Julie pipes up about wanting to play Pictionary, everyone except you wants to play it, you want to play Fifa 2010 on your PlayStation, but how to get out of this predicament? I hear you say. You should hide your disdain by pretending you really want to play Pictionary, run upstairs and retrieve it from the loft, but oh! whats this? no game cards? oh shame (you have lobbed them to the back of the loft), never mind. Take the box down with you and show everyone it has missing pieces, and then state you have no more board games, but suggest a game of Fifa 2010 on you PlayStation, clearly you are going to get your own way because you are already turning it on before they have had a chance to argue.
You can soak up a good few hours on the PlayStation but ultimately you are going to have to get off your arse and play a game of twister that your brother brought round, as he thought it would be ‘fun’. I have a problem with twister because being close to family members like that, in a twisted obscure sex position way is creepy and disturbing, I don’t want my cousins balls in my face, and I don’t want my Aunts bingo wings flapping about all over the place either. If you are pressured into playing it the quickest and most direct route to avoid it is to go to the fridge, take some Stilton and rub it all over the soles of your feet, come back and begin, the game will finish pretty damn quick after you start wafting your cheesy feet all over the place, success!
Your evening starts to draw to a close, everyone has left and it is just you, your wife and kids and your second bottle of scotch, your kids will be asleep from being worn out play fighting with your brother, and your wife will be asleep, tired from fisting stuffing into a turkey, keeping everyone entertained and looking beautiful at the same time, so now is the only true time you will have on your own, make the most of it, make a fat turkey sandwich and open your second bottle of Scotch, sit down put your feet up and fall into a drunken sleep whilst watching Superman Returns. It is all over, well for another 364 days at least.
Well that is pretty much it really, here’s a quick rundown of some survival tips:
1. Drink, and drink a lot
2. Avoid looking anyone in the eye, they may think you want to talk to them
3. Find creative ways to make other peoples kids shut up
4. Don’t let your wife think your being a scrooge, subtlty is the key
5. Enjoy being miserable, it’s one of lifes great pleasures.
Merry Christmas Guys!
Wow, what a really great quality post. In theory I would love to write as well as this also – it takes me time and lots of effort to formulate a good post… but what can I say… I put it off for ages and then never seem to get anything written.
Glad you like the post. It is difficult to get a good quality post done, Most of my best posts are written on weekends when I have the time to sit down and think properly. I believe everyone has the ability to write a good post and I am sure you are no exception. It does take a lot of hard work, I rarely get to bed before 2 am, but they thing is that you enjoy it. Thank you for visiting my blog, if you want some help or advice then please contact me.
What a funny article, I never remember Christmas I am way to drunk
Haha Awesome. I especially like sitting on the toilet to pass the time. Where you run into trouble is when your feet fall asleep. You know what I’m talking about.
Oh yeah sure I do lol, I been so drunk once I got out of my chair stood up, realised I couldnt walk so sat back down for another 3 hours before attempting to get up again.
this blog is very very good.