What If Me And Clint Eastwood Were The Last Men On Earth?
” This is a question I asked myself 2 days ago and has been plaguing my mind ever since, I don’t know why and I cant explain why the thought entered my head, but it just did, so I’m going to tell you about it.
Basically the world as we know it has ended, everyone has been killed off by a mutated form of the aids virus and wiped everyone out except me and Clint Eastwood, who by some freak of nature also survived the virus, I don’t know straight off that I’m not the only one left, I think it’s just me all alone living in the abandoned Morrison’s supermarket near where I live, living off fray brentos pies and Stella trying to justify my utterly irrelevant existence.
But I am wrong! you see Clint is also alive and making his way towards me in a strange twist of fate. He was filming his new film ‘Hereafter’ when the disaster struck, not knowing what to do he thought best to head north in the hope of finding someone else. I was busy throwing bricks at dead cows, and poking dead bodies with sticks the day he came, I saw a large ford pick up screech into the car park and do a 360 wheel spin before parking in the taxi and pick up only bay at the front of the store, I was shocked and stunned. Clint looked pretty messed up blood all over his face arms and clothes, he stumbled out of the pick up and slumped on the floor, I helped him to his feet and was so glad to see him I gave him a big girly hug, feeling embarrassed he threw me off saying ‘Git the hell of o me!’ and I stumbled back.
I was worried about why he had blood all over him, and he promptly told me how he had to wrestle a puma that escaped form London zoo and the puma lost ‘amazing!’ I said, ‘you still got it Clint’. He was exhausted and needed to rest, so I took him inside Morrison’s and we sat around a pile of broken pallets I had set fire to and he told me how he had almost lost hope of finding anyone else when he saw light and a man throwing bricks at dead cows as he was driving past, so that’s how he met me.
Even in the light of the disaster I was fairly star struck and asked him about his film career, he gladly boasted about his countless awards and how many women he slept with, and I listened with glee. The fire still roaring we were quite drunk on whiskey and it had been an emotional day, I leaned into Clint to pat him on the back and say goodnight, I think Clint mistook this for an advance because as I leaned in, Clint slowly closed his eyes and placed a kiss on my lips! shocked stunned and utterly disgusted I moved away very quickly indeed and said ‘what the hell are you doing! I know it’s lonely but i’m just not into that, famous or not!’ I felt by this point Clint was very embarrassed and as I went to bed he shouted ‘wait! I’m sorry, i didn’t mean t….’ I was gone, retiring to my bed made of andrex toilet rolls I lay there thinking about how I was going to deal with this.
The next morning I opened my eyes to find Clint staring over me with his pants on and holding a 12 gauge shotgun! I panicked and tried to escape, but he simply said ‘get up, were going hunting‘ still shocked I got up and threw my clothes on. I was in the truck with Clint driving, the mood was tense, I had my head hanging low and Clint was clutching the steering wheel tensely, he spoke ‘listen kid, about last night I was lonely confused an……’ I interrupted ‘it’s OK forget it, a mistake’ The mood quickly lightened and Clint offered me a cigar, I took it gladly and smoked it like a man who had never had a cigar before would.
We arrived at twycross zoo, it was eery and quiet, not an animal in sight, we both sat in the truck, me twiddling my thumbs and Clint looking in deep thought, ‘Fuckers!’ he burst, ‘there all fucking gone!’ ‘whats all gone?’ I said, ‘the lions, and cheetahs, I wanted to hunt them for food’ he said. I was a bit put out by why he would want to eat lions and cheetahs when we live in a shop full of frozen lamb chops, chicken, sausages, and plenty of other stuff, but I didn’t question him, we went back to Morrison’s soon after.
Later that evening we were discussing plans on what to do the next day whilst eating micro pizzas and drinking fosters, when he had a sudden spark of genius and said ‘we need to fly a plane to Washington and see if the president is alive!’ I said ‘wooo fuck yeah!’
I nor Clint knew how to fly a plane of course but I thought Clint was the best qualified as he did play a pilot in the film ‘firefox’. We made our way to east midlands airport and boarded a small cessna type aircraft, I sat up front with Clint as he tried to figure out the controls, amazingly he flipped some switches pushed some buttons and turned a key, the plane started up and Clint punched the air, looked at me and said ‘HA! see, not just a pretty face!’
The plane whirred through the sky, we headed west towards the united states, we played the Jurassic park soundtrack on the CD player (it was either that or harry connick jr) as we sailed through the clouds, it was a moment of peace and tranquility. A few hours later we could see the white house ahead of us, and Clint suddenly realised and said ‘ I don’t know how to land a plane do you?’ ‘No!’ I barked. We both looked at each other and panicked, the plane began to nosedive towards the white house and as we approached the top Clint heaved the controls back, straining to control the plane. The plane took a sharp turn upwards and the spire of the white house gauged a huge hole in the bottom of the fuselage, Clint lost control and we crash landed in the gardens of the white house.
There was smoke coming from the plane, but I could feel my bruised and battered body being dragged from the plane, I knew instantly it was Clint, my buddy Clint has saved me. I lay on the lawn with him slapping me round the face trying to bring me around, ‘git up ya piece a shit!’ I reluctantly get up dazed and confused, and with him supporting me we made our way to the entrance of the white house.
Inside the white house we searched everywhere, but could we find barrack Obama? no we couldn’t, just hundreds of dead bodies, of aides,workers, lawyers and interns scattered all around, the stench was awful. After a few hours of searching, Clint turned and said ‘listen kid, we ain’t gonna find Barack, so lets just go git summat ta eet’ I agreed, we slumped back out the door of the white house and we found a taco bell nearby and managed to find some food there to eat. We sat in the diner staring out at the empty streets, ‘do you think were the only ones left Clint?’ I said, ‘I have no idea, am beginin to think so’ said Clint. The diner was silent cold and wet, the rotting corpse of a taco bell worker lay sprawled across a table still holding a pot of coffee, I looked into Clint’s eyes and was about to speak when he actually fucking exploded! I kid you not, fully exploded, there was blood, bones, guts, piss, shit and sick all over the fucking place!
What a inconvenient mess, I was gopping, I was sick 4 times before I even managed to stumble out of taco bell, I found a piece of his skull with hair on it stuck to my cheek, and it was either his cock or his finger in my right ear. I knew by this point that me and Clint had gone our separate ways, I lived in the USA now, as I didn’t know how to magically fly planes like Clint could, so as the sun began to set, I wander off, with a satchel full of twinkys and tootsie rolls, 2 litres of Dr pepper and the memories of my short time with Clint.
The sun setting behind me and my silhouette in my wake, and the song ‘everybody’s talking at me’ by Harry nilsson playing, I drift along all by myself with my thoughts of my adventures with clint held close to my heart.
So long Clint I miss you….