Jimmy Carr’s Best Jokes
” It goes without saying the our Jimmy is one of the funniest comedians of his generation, I double over every time I watch him. I was inspired to write this post after watching his ‘telling jokes’ DVD at work the other day, I laughed my ass off and it reminded me how good he is. Here is a collection of some of Jimmy’s finest jokes and one liners. Enjoy!
”Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheros.”
”I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.”
”Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.”
”A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”
”My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”
”I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.”
”I’m not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.”
”I’ve got no problem buying tampons. I’m a modern man. But apparently they’re not a “proper” present.”
“They say the camera adds 10lbs… Stop eating fucking cameras!”
”There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?”
Here is a video of more Jimmy Carr jokes:
Hope you enjoyed them, I was laughing whilst writing them. What’s your favourite Jimmy Carr joke? share with us, leave a comment.”
(Disclaimer: All images used are believed to be in the public domain, if you feel any of these images violates copyright please contact me and they will be removed as soon as possible.)
